Being John Malkovich (1999)
The episode delves into the perplexing film "Being John Malkovich," a cinematic endeavor that raises profound questions regarding its conception and execution. We engage in a critical examination of the film's narrative structure, particularly its disjointedness and lack of coherent storytelling, which ultimately leads us to question the rationale behind its production. The discussion highlights the film's peculiar premise—a puppeteer discovering a portal into the mind of John Malkovich—and how this concept, while intriguing, fails to deliver a meaningful payoff throughout the film's duration. We express our disdain for the overemphasis on puppeteering, which we contend detracts from the central narrative and renders the viewing experience tedious. In summary, the episode is a candid exploration of our sentiments towards a film we both find lacking, as we dissect its shortcomings and ponder the potential for a more cohesive and engaging story.
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Transcript
Oh, well, you were in Malkovich when we freaking conceived this baby.
Speaker A:So therefore it's your baby.
Speaker A:And that when I finally got through the whole movie and saw that scene, I went, what?
Speaker A:What?
Speaker A:And I just.
Speaker A:That's not okay.
Speaker A:Welcome to the what's Everyday podcast.
Speaker A:We fashion ourselves cinematic Jud Jerry.
Speaker A:My name is J.J. crowder.
Speaker A:I'm here with my co host Alec Burgess.
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Speaker A:Yeah, we're back.
Speaker A:We're week three of how the did this get made movies.
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Speaker A:But it's.
Speaker A:I've reached that point.
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Speaker A:So with that we can jump into this mess.
Speaker A:So on week three, we are going to John Being John Malkovich.
Speaker A: ,: Speaker A:It was written by Charlie Kaufman and is directed by Spike Jones.
Speaker A:It stars John Cusack, Cameron Diaz, Catherine Keener, Ned Bellamy, Eric Weinstein, Madison Lake, Octavia Spencer, Mary Kay Place, and Orson Bean and John Malkovich, of course.
Speaker A:And it's about a puppeteer who discovers a portal that leads literally into the head of movie star John Malkovich.
Speaker A:All right, Alec, the.
Speaker B:Did you pick this movie because of the month?
Speaker A:J.J. ah, yes, fair.
Speaker B:This, this is the quintessential.
Speaker B:How in the world did this get made?
Speaker B:But unlike the like first two that we did this year, this month.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:I think this one actually could be fixed relatively simply.
Speaker A:Oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:It.
Speaker B:I don't know if this was like Spike Jon's first movie that he ever directed or Charlie Kaufman's ever first writing, but it seems like they had this idea and concept that they were married to and they couldn't make it work.
Speaker B:And then a couple decades later, Jordan Peele made it work with Get Out.
Speaker B:It's a very similar kind of concept.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:But I think that Kaufman and Jones were so in love with this idea of a puppeteer and the controlling being from the puppeteer.
Speaker B:And that's where all the was.
Speaker B:But there's no payoff for it.
Speaker B:And so they have all these kind of plot point storylines that they want to roll in that they almost, it feels like they almost believe are essential for the film to work.
Speaker B:And then they, they, there's no payoff on.
Speaker B:There's no point, there's no purpose, there's no reason.
Speaker B:Because by the time we get to the almost like the big aha.
Speaker B:Gotcha.
Speaker B:The puppeteering is moot at that point.
Speaker B:It's already been proven that it's, it's almost like they disconnected what they were trying to do with it as a story evolved.
Speaker A:But.
Speaker B:We'Ll just be honest, the worst part of this movie is the freaking puppeteering bit.
Speaker A:Yeah, it is.
Speaker B:And it's the largest part of this movie.
Speaker B:And it's why this movie that is, I think it's up two hours, feels like six is because of all this focus on the puppeteering.
Speaker B:And then for my point, at least in a way, by the time we get around to really the final moments, the puppet chain is a moot point.
Speaker B:Doesn't matter.
Speaker B:It would be cool.
Speaker B:Like, I could see where they're going with it, but they didn't have that big payoff of a reason of why it needed to happen that way.
Speaker B:And so that's why I think even though I kind of poo pooed on it because I'm a scaredy cat, get out is a much better version of this kind of story.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Where you have it coming from, you have.
Speaker B:It's a much better story telling.
Speaker B:They focus on the story.
Speaker B:And it felt like this was like, hey, no, this is the, this is the reason we, it works.
Speaker B:So we're sticking with this specific storyline and plot point, but it doesn't make any sense.
Speaker B:And so just the puppeteering.
Speaker B:Why.
Speaker B:And so it's that part of it where I'm like, how, how was this made just from this point?
Speaker B: re puppeteers more popular in: Speaker B: dying off after its heyday in: Speaker B:Like.
Speaker A:Yeah, no, I, I, so I.
Speaker B:Don'T see the allure of the concept, but I get where they're going, but there's no payoff for it.
Speaker B:And so now it's just.
Speaker B:You have this really weird main character and I think.
Speaker B:I think if you change this and being John Malkovich is told from John Malkovich's perspective, like, that makes it even better.
Speaker B:Because as funny as it is to watch Malkovich portray, you know, or channel freaking Schwartz in John Cusack, I.
Speaker A:It.
Speaker B:It's just weird at that point.
Speaker B:And I think you tell a better story if it's all from John Malkovich's perspective and you start like halfway through and work back a little bit and show what's happening.
Speaker A:That's fair.
Speaker A:I could see that.
Speaker B:But it just.
Speaker B:It just felt like too much.
Speaker B:Way too much.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And not having any idea or really kind of flow through that connects the beginning to the end in any way that makes it meaningful, at least from my perspective.
Speaker A:Sure.
Speaker A:No, it's a.
Speaker A: ething I. I saw this movie in: Speaker B:Because you're John Cusack fan and a John Malkovich fan.
Speaker A:I'm not a Cameron Diaz fan, typically, especially back then, like, she was still pretty fresh off of getting launched at this point and.
Speaker A:But I love Cusack and I love Malkovich and I. Katherine Keener and a lot of her.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:And so, I mean, there's some people in here that I'm like, oh, yeah, I really like this cast.
Speaker A:I'm gonna go see this movie.
Speaker A:And at the time and it.
Speaker A:To answer your question, yes, it was Spike Jones first movie.
Speaker A:He was a big movie music video guy for most of his early career.
Speaker A:That's how I knew him.
Speaker A:Was introduced to him, was like.
Speaker A:You can always tell because it was like, it's a Spike Lee joint or whatever.
Speaker A:Spike Jones video.
Speaker A:Because they would pop up.
Speaker A:He would always.
Speaker A:Bane, son of a.
Speaker A:Would always put his name all over it.
Speaker A:But like, yeah, he.
Speaker A:This was his first movie.
Speaker A:And you can tell I.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker A:And I want it to be good because there's some decent performances in it.
Speaker A:Like, I.
Speaker A:You know, as weird as they are, the three, the trio of.
Speaker A:Of Body Invaders, if you will, are.
Speaker A:They're not bad.
Speaker A:You know, they have some good performances.
Speaker A:I just think this movie gets.
Speaker A:Gets away from Spike Jones.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, it just.
Speaker A:And to your point, like, there's the focus of certain things, you're like, what the.
Speaker A:Are you.
Speaker A:Why?
Speaker A:Like, I don't understand the obsession.
Speaker A:Even the first.
Speaker A:This has one of the weirdest first five minutes sequence.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:Of a movie period.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker A:And maybe even the first 10 minutes.
Speaker A:Like, it's weird and then it doesn't Ever get less weird and disjointed?
Speaker A:Yeah, it just.
Speaker A:And I don't.
Speaker A:I remember, I, this is another movie.
Speaker A:I was 18 years old and I, I walked out the first time.
Speaker A:Like, I was like, I gotta.
Speaker A:This is, this is a waste of my, at the time, probably seven bucks.
Speaker A:And I just am like, I can't.
Speaker A:Can't do it.
Speaker A:So I, I, I was probably an hour in.
Speaker A:I was like, I'm out, and I may not even miss an hour.
Speaker A:The best part, Yeah, I, I probably didn't even make it an hour, if I'm being honest.
Speaker A:I just was like, I gotta go.
Speaker A:And then I ended up watching it again years later because it made somewhat of a resurgence.
Speaker A:You know, I think I was in my mid-20s and people were talking about it again, and I'm like, God.
Speaker A:Because he also went on Spike Jones to do, like, Adaptation, which won a bunch of awards, and from a certain perspective, is a good movie.
Speaker A:Whereas this one, I, I will die on this hill that this movie sucks.
Speaker A:And it's just, it's terrible and weird.
Speaker A:It makes no sense to me.
Speaker A:Like, and I don't even, even to this day, like, even when you're talking about, here's a way we can make it better.
Speaker A:And I don't disagree with that way.
Speaker A:Like, I'm like, but why?
Speaker A:Like, yeah, I don't, I don't get this movie.
Speaker A:I never have.
Speaker A:I don't understand the point.
Speaker A:Even looking at it from the perspective of, well, it was, you know, get out before get out was a thing.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:It's too goofy to be.
Speaker A:For me to take serious with the really terrible.
Speaker A:Like, and terrible from, like, a, that would be a horrifying prospect, to have somebody be able to just hop in my body and take over.
Speaker A:Not fun.
Speaker A:And so it's like, but even from that perspective, like, it just, it just doesn't make sense to me.
Speaker A:And I've never been like, oh, I wanna, I wanna venture down that rabbit hole and see.
Speaker A:That would be interesting to be John Malkovich.
Speaker A:But at the same time, are you really John Malkovich at that point?
Speaker A:Because you're just you, as you saw in this movie, in his body, like, that's it.
Speaker A:So it's just, I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker A:Fucking weird.
Speaker B:Well, and that's why I think, like, it's so close.
Speaker B:It just misses.
Speaker B:Because the, the concept of, you know, only being able to control John Malkovich because he's a puppeteer.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's cool.
Speaker B:Like, that makes sense.
Speaker B:And that's where you could have the connection to the point.
Speaker B:Like, you know, people could go in and just be a viewer.
Speaker B:But in order to control.
Speaker B:It's because his ties with puppeteering.
Speaker B:But then you find out later that, you know, the bad guy, Lester, or whatever you could call.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:Just is gonna cram 47 different personalities into John Malkovich.
Speaker B:And it's completely fine.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And so that's where I was going.
Speaker B:What?
Speaker B:Because the concept makes sense from that kind of perspective.
Speaker B:And you even get a tiny little bit of payoff from the opening sequence with his first time in John Malkovich.
Speaker B:He performs the same dance or the same puppeteering skit, whatever it is.
Speaker B:And so that's kind of the cool part in my mind and makes it kind of stand out is because of the special skill that is really useless in every aspect of life.
Speaker B:He's actually able to go in and have a use for this skill that he's developed.
Speaker B:And it's in controlling John Malovich.
Speaker B:And then it's ruined by the fact where Lester's like, no, I've been just been making this new body for myself.
Speaker A:For.
Speaker B:Hundreds of years.
Speaker B:And this is.
Speaker B:It plays off to it.
Speaker B:But I also get the point because you have to have somewhere for the story to go.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So that's where it's like.
Speaker B:It's almost like a problem was tackled as it came up.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it was.
Speaker B:That's the only thing that was fixed or looked at or just as like, you know, everything up to this point is good.
Speaker B:Now we have a new problem.
Speaker B:How do we fix this?
Speaker B:Cool.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Now we have a new problem.
Speaker B:How do we fix this?
Speaker B:And never went back to try and connect it all together.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So you get this weird kind of just absolutely tangled mess of garbage.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And so it's like.
Speaker B:It's like, oh, you, You.
Speaker B:You are almost there.
Speaker B:Almost there with it.
Speaker B:And I think you could actually.
Speaker B:If you make it watchable.
Speaker B:I think you got something.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:The problem is it's not watchable.
Speaker B:And then you have too much noise.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Like, I don't understand the purpose of the chimp and the bird and the dog.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:There's no reason for this.
Speaker B:It adds nothing.
Speaker B:The story that she works with animals.
Speaker B:She's a vet tech or patch store, whatever it is.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So there's no added bonus to that.
Speaker B:It's just noise.
Speaker B:And it's noise that you don't need because you already have your compelling piece of the plot or your compelling piece of story.
Speaker B:Just work on that.
Speaker B:Develop that make that make sense.
Speaker B:But, no, just left field, right field.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Let's throw this.
Speaker B:And this will be fun.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And so it's just.
Speaker B:By the.
Speaker B:By the finish point, it's so unwatchable that you're checking how much longer is in this?
Speaker B:Like, every 30 seconds, hoping that the number changed.
Speaker A:Boy, don't I know it.
Speaker B:Because every 30 seconds feels like 10 minutes.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Well, and I. Yeah, for me, it's just compounded because I just find myself going, why?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:What.
Speaker A:What was the point?
Speaker A:And again, I don't.
Speaker A:I don't necessarily need.
Speaker A:Look at.
Speaker A:There's a lot of movies where I'm like, okay, that.
Speaker A:That had no point, but it made sense as to it having no point.
Speaker A:And this one's so disjointed because it's like.
Speaker A:There's so many different through lines.
Speaker A:Like, Lester wants to live forever and figured it out and has been.
Speaker A:I mean, made a company out of it.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, it's like, okay, there's one, and then you got.
Speaker A:The one that bothers me the most is the obsession with John Malkovich.
Speaker A:And, like, that's a reason to be in his body.
Speaker A:And then there's, like, the whole mounting love story between these two women that I'm just like, wait, what?
Speaker A:And it comes to the weirdest conclusion of.
Speaker A:Oh, well, you were in Malkovich when we freaking conceived this baby.
Speaker A:So therefore, it's your baby.
Speaker A:And that.
Speaker A:When I finally got through the whole movie and saw that scene, I went, what?
Speaker A:What?
Speaker A:And I just.
Speaker A:That's not okay.
Speaker A:This is it.
Speaker A:And then you're like, let me think about this for a minute.
Speaker A:Because now Malkovich is.
Speaker A:Or not Malkovich.
Speaker A:But Cusack's character is stuck in the baby because he's trying.
Speaker A:I was like, oh, my God.
Speaker A:Like, what'd you do?
Speaker A:Just have, like, a whole list of, like, story beats and you just threw darts.
Speaker A:And we're like, oh, we'll add this one in.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker A:Like, I swear that's how we ended up with Animal Control or Animal.
Speaker A:Like, it was like, oh, what can we make to be.
Speaker A:Oh, a vet tech.
Speaker B:What's popular right now?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Chimps.
Speaker B:Well, the other part that I hate about that ending is we.
Speaker B:We understand, like, what's happening, right?
Speaker B:We get told by Lester.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:But the problem is it doesn't.
Speaker B:Doesn't make sense.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because it's.
Speaker B:The next baby is, like, what Lester explains it as.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:Yeah, Schwartz was sitting there, like, timing this, like, to the second to make sure doesn't end up in some random.
Speaker B:And it's.
Speaker B:It's just so confusing in that way.
Speaker B:And it doesn't make sense for that purpose where he's now just an observer through the baby or the kid's eyes.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's like, again, why?
Speaker B:Like, yeah, there's no big reason for it at all.
Speaker A:Well, and then you have to ask the question, okay, so as a puppeteer, at what point is he able to take over and he freaking murders these two.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, there's got a couple point where he turns this child into a homicidal maniac.
Speaker A:That's the only thing I can think of.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:And because he can control it now, he's got this, like, however long before things can start jumping, you know, other people start jumping in there with.
Speaker A:Now he's got this whole thing that he's gotta.
Speaker A:I'm just like, oh, my God, this movie is so weird.
Speaker A:It just doesn't make any sense.
Speaker A:And there's just so many things that I'm like, no, I don't.
Speaker A:That doesn't work for me.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker A:And it's.
Speaker A:And again, I leave the movie.
Speaker A:I remember.
Speaker A:I don't remember how old I was, but I remember sitting there watching it because somebody's like, no, no, no, you left.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker A:You missed out.
Speaker A:You got to watch it.
Speaker A:It's one of the best movies of our time.
Speaker A:Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker A:And I'm like, whatever.
Speaker A:So I sit down and watch it with them and I was like.
Speaker A:At the end of it, I was like, see?
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:And then they're trying to explain it to me.
Speaker A:I'm like, no, you can tell me.
Speaker A:That's like when I get excited about a fucking shitty 80s movie that everybody knows is bad, but because I was a kid and it was funny at that time, when I was 10, it's a great movie.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:This is that.
Speaker A:And it's not great.
Speaker A:Like, be self aware.
Speaker A:You love a shitty movie and that's okay, that's fine.
Speaker A:I love a lot of shitty movies.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:But don't shove it down my throat and then be mad when I go, now your movie sucks.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:The other thing that gets me is, why John Malkovich, for real?
Speaker B: Like, okay,: Speaker B:And I don't think he's ever been that guy, right?
Speaker B:Like, the hot.
Speaker B:Have to have everything, you know, has to be in every single movie.
Speaker B:He's the number one.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Hollywood.
Speaker B:Like, he's Great.
Speaker B:I love his stuff.
Speaker B:But he's.
Speaker B:He's never been that kind of top, build a lister, gotta have him in the movie.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Type of actor.
Speaker B:So it's like.
Speaker B:Like, why him?
Speaker B:And maybe it's because he was the only one who signed up for it, because he's a little bit weird himself.
Speaker A:Could be.
Speaker B: But I'm thinking, like,: Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Like, we get a little bit of it.
Speaker B:You, Sean Penn, got like a cameo.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Something.
Speaker B:Charlie Sheen would be great at this.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Like, you.
Speaker B:Everybody that they surrounded, like, around John Malkovich makes more sense than John Malkovich.
Speaker B:I mean, even just John Cusack.
Speaker B:And have him play both parts, that would be hilarious.
Speaker A:And Cusack, that would be funny.
Speaker B:But that.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:The other thing is, like, why John Malkovich?
Speaker B:And it points to what you were saying.
Speaker B:Like, why the obsession as well.
Speaker B:With being John Malkovich.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And I, like.
Speaker B:It's like being Alec, right?
Speaker B:Like.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Doesn't make any sense.
Speaker A:And I guess, kind of like.
Speaker A:So I went back and I looked at his filmography, and I know a lot of movies that he's done, but when you start getting into 96 is when he started doing probably the ones that people are like.
Speaker A:Oh.
Speaker A:I mean, outside of, like, early.
Speaker A:Early, like, Killing Fields, Death of a Salesman, stuff like that.
Speaker A:Like, that got him, like, his big stuff in.
Speaker A:So Mulholland falls in 96, then portrait of a Lady, Con Air, man in the Iron Mask, Rounders, then some weird French film.
Speaker A:And then Being John Malkovich.
Speaker A:So, I mean, he was hitting it off, but at the same time, again, even in all those movies, like, he was a bad guy or like a musketeer.
Speaker A:It's so.
Speaker A:It's like.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it's.
Speaker B:He's.
Speaker B:He's like that supporting character that makes every movie better.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:That he's in.
Speaker B:But it's.
Speaker B:It's like.
Speaker A:I mean, he was never top billing.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:In the Man Iron Mass, you have Leo DiCaprio.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Got freaking Jeremy Irons in there.
Speaker B:And then you've got In Con Airy, Nicholas Cage.
Speaker B:The whole laundry list of that movie's cast.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And so it's.
Speaker B:It's like, he's great.
Speaker B:And he puts.
Speaker B:Adds value to every movie that he's in and makes it better.
Speaker B:Great actor, great performer.
Speaker B:But then I never.
Speaker B:I don't think anybody was ever like, you know what?
Speaker B:I really am inspired to be an actor because of John Malcolm.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And I certainly don't want to live in his head.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Nobody gets up on their award Ceremony and says, you know, this.
Speaker B:You know, thanks to my mom.
Speaker B:Thanks to God.
Speaker B:Thanks to John Malkovich.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:For helping my dream come true.
Speaker A:It's wild.
Speaker A:It's wild.
Speaker A:It's probably more like, what kind of low, low hanging fruit can we snag up and name this movie after being whoever?
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:I'd be curious.
Speaker A:I'll have to do some.
Speaker A:Am I really gonna do some research, though, in my head?
Speaker A:I'm like, it would make sense to do some research and figure out why this movie got made, but that would.
Speaker B:Be as pointless as making a movie, I think.
Speaker A:Yeah, I'm probably not gonna do that, but I just don't.
Speaker A:And I don't understand, like, to this day, this movie, people love it.
Speaker A:Like, it's got like a high rating.
Speaker A:It's like seven, almost eight stars, I think, on IMDb, I think rotten Tomatoes, it's pretty high, if I remember right.
Speaker A:And I'm just like, I don't get it.
Speaker A:Because I constantly, every time it comes up, I'm like, don't talk to me about being John Malkovich.
Speaker A:Like, how did that movie even get made?
Speaker A:So it fits this category perfectly for me because it just doesn't.
Speaker A:It's so stupid.
Speaker A:It is so stupid.
Speaker A:So, well, well done.
Speaker A:Good pick.
Speaker A:You're out trying to see what Rotten Tomato scores it has right now.
Speaker B:Probably 120.
Speaker A:Oh, my God.
Speaker A:94 from critics and 87 from viewers.
Speaker B:You're wrong.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:No, like, I don't get that.
Speaker B:It does.
Speaker B:This movie should never have been made.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:That's so weird to me.
Speaker A:So weird.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:That's crazy.
Speaker B:I'm sure.
Speaker A:Yeah, I guess.
Speaker A:Should we rate it?
Speaker B:Let's rate it.
Speaker A:Your movie, my movie.
Speaker B:I get to go first.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker B:Oh, boy.
Speaker B:I think so.
Speaker B:I do.
Speaker B:I do think this movie could have been a lot better with a couple tweaks and it's just telling a coherent story that makes sense.
Speaker A:Focus.
Speaker B:I think that especially since now that apparently was Spike's first film that he did now makes a lot more sense to where you have this idea and you want to stick to your idea and you want your idea to fit into the story.
Speaker B:Some of the best directors out there and writers just tell a story and they fit the plot points in that they like or they want to that go with the story.
Speaker B:And I feel like you kind of grow into that as you do it more.
Speaker B:But having this idea that it's a rigid story that I came up with in my head and I'M just going to take that and put it on the screen.
Speaker B:Doesn't work.
Speaker B:And it is disjointed, creepy as fuck.
Speaker B:Doesn't have any kind of coherent start to finish.
Speaker B:And they just leave stuff out in the open as they kind of get to a new scene, a new act.
Speaker B:And they forget about everything that happened before.
Speaker B:They erase all that for memory.
Speaker B:And now it's this new 10 minute blip that we're going to work to.
Speaker B:I'm gonna give the 0.5.
Speaker B:Like 0.5.
Speaker B:I don't ever, never gonna watch this again, ever.
Speaker B:It is not a good movie.
Speaker B:Never should have been made.
Speaker B:I think it could have been really good, but I think they forgot to tell the story and we're just like, oh, this is the idea that I have and I'm gonna take it straight from my brain and put it into the silver screen.
Speaker B:And it didn't work.
Speaker A:Yeah, 0.5.
Speaker A:Yeah, listen, we're gonna get poo pooed on this episode.
Speaker A:I can feel it like, good, bring it on.
Speaker A:We love John Malcolm being John Malkovich.
Speaker A:Go the away.
Speaker A:Don't at me, go away.
Speaker A:And I, and I fully admit, like, if you got this far in your listening, I fully admit it's because I don't get this movie.
Speaker A:I love the cast.
Speaker A:I'm gonna give it a higher score than I should because of the performances by some of the cast.
Speaker A:Because while this movie sucked, there were still some good performances from the actors that are in it.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:But I don't get it.
Speaker A:And I never will get it.
Speaker A:So don't try to explain it to me either.
Speaker A:Don't put some eight paragraph goddamn explanation of being John Malkovich in our comments or do.
Speaker A:I don't care.
Speaker A:I'm not gonna read it.
Speaker A:But I read most comments, by the way.
Speaker A:But if I see it's 12 paragraphs on this movie, I'm not gonna read it because you're just being a dick and I don't want you to try to explain it.
Speaker A:Don't fans blame me, goddamn being John Malkovich, okay?
Speaker A:Because I will never be listed as a fan of this movie.
Speaker A:I think it's messy.
Speaker A:I think it makes no sense.
Speaker A:I think it was somebody was like, how funny would it be if we made a movie about people that can become an actor or become someone famous and be.
Speaker A:And then from there, instead of like being very deliberate about the interesting things that you could do as a person that's famous, they decide to make John Malkovich a puppeteer.
Speaker A:I, you know, I, and I get it's the only way he could become a famous puppeteer.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:But go away.
Speaker A:Like, don't hit me about potential.
Speaker A:It was just stupid.
Speaker A:There was no point.
Speaker A:I didn't find it funny.
Speaker A:That's the other thing I hear a lot when people.
Speaker A:Oh, it's.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:It's a hilarious, dark comedy.
Speaker A:It's hilarious.
Speaker A:Hilariously dark.
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker A:But it's not laughed once a comedy.
Speaker A:I. I find nothing about this movie funny.
Speaker A:In fact, the things that should be funny to me, because I. I do have a weird sense of humor in most cases.
Speaker A:But, like, in a lot of movies, like, I would laugh at the seven and a half, seven and a half, four.
Speaker A:That you have to hit the stop button at the right time and then pry the doors open and nobody asks why there's giant dents in the goddamn elevator door.
Speaker A:It just.
Speaker A:But I didn't find it at all funny because there was nothing to tie me to the.
Speaker A:The humor.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:The movie feels way too serious to be that funny.
Speaker A:But anyway, yeah, I'm gonna give it.
Speaker A:I'm gonna give it a one because I will say this, that of all the John Malkovich in this movie does, he tries real hard to make this movie something.
Speaker A:And when he's in it as himself, like, losing his.
Speaker A:And then the one moment, the one scene that almost.
Speaker A:Almost makes me laugh, like, it kind of makes me smile is the weird restaurant scene with John Malkovich.
Speaker A:Is everybody okay?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And when.
Speaker A:And I.
Speaker A:The part got me the first time that I watched to that point.
Speaker A:And then each time subsequently, was Malkovich in the evening dress on the piano.
Speaker A:That.
Speaker A:Just the visual of it with the piano player Malkovich, like, makes me almost laugh.
Speaker A:But that's.
Speaker A:If that's your highlight of your movie, you it up.
Speaker A:Like, I can't.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:And that's all I got.
Speaker A:Like, I got nothing else that I go, okay.
Speaker A:I like this part.
Speaker A:Like, there's no other part of this movie that I go, okay.
Speaker A:That's the part I remember every time somebody says being John Malkovich, and all I see is cocktail dress Malkovich on a goddamn piano.
Speaker A:And if that's my explanation of your movie, then you.
Speaker A:You did it wrong.
Speaker A:So there you go.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I had gone for decades without watching this movie and hopefully I go back to that and never watch it again for the rest of my life.
Speaker A:So, yeah, there it is.
Speaker A:When.
Speaker A:When we're not watching Malkovich, where else can people find us?
Speaker A:Alec?
Speaker B:Oh, this has been a great month for you, J.J. so glad you did because we had Swiss Army Man.
Speaker A:That's probably not wrong either.
Speaker B:Everything after that buzz where people can find us, YouTube's the best place to see our reactions, see our faces.
Speaker B:We talk back and forth, forth and you know, make JJ question six years on a podcast in just three weeks.
Speaker B:Aside from that, Patreon is the best place to get involved with the content we do have.
Speaker B:It's getting 650, almost 700 bonus content episodes.
Speaker B:Everything from shorts to behind the scenes to full length episodes on our Patreon, it is behind a little bit of paywall.
Speaker B:But to get involved with the content creation of what's our verdict?
Speaker B:It is completely free to vote on topics and to vote on movies.
Speaker B:We've added some real stakes to our votes because they, they have mattered for as long as we've had the votes.
Speaker B:But now there's real stakes attached.
Speaker B:So voting on our content helps us, you know, assert dominance over the other one.
Speaker B:We'll say because right now I won January, which means JJ's list of movies is up for purchase.
Speaker B:If you want to make him watch some stuff that he is going to hate every time one of us wins, the other list gets put up.
Speaker B:JJ's made my list.
Speaker B:I haven't even seen it yet, so I know it's bad, but the idea behind it is that if you lose, your list of movies gets up, people can buy and go ahead and make us watch a movie that we are going to hate.
Speaker B:So winning is important.
Speaker B:With that, I'll kick it back to Guess I should thank CB and Rich, who are our patrons and they're the ones who put us up to this topic.
Speaker A:Thank you.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker B:It's been a great month for me.
Speaker B:But with that, I'll kick it back to the.
Speaker B:Let's see, Jack Dunn's baby, the Great Bambino.
Speaker B:A jj.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:Thanks, buddy.
Speaker A:Yeah, but not thanks for that list that's now sitting on Patreon waiting to be purchased.
Speaker A:Because I was putting it going.
Speaker A:Why did I agree to this again?
Speaker A:Like, yes, but yeah, I'm looking forward to the day that I win the vote again and never gonna happen.
Speaker A:Alex list goes up.
Speaker A:I did find it very ironic that we started this little trend and all of a sudden I lose.
Speaker A:I'm like, I haven't lost in months.
Speaker A:Now all of a sudden I'm losing.
Speaker A:I don't like it.
Speaker A:So yeah, get out and vote for movies that you look at.
Speaker A:Go.
Speaker A:That's got to be a JJ movie.
Speaker A:Then we'll be okay.
Speaker A:We'll get we'll get the world righted again and make Alex list be up on there and and there is a tier 2 level oh if we if we lose for a certain amount of time and I'm not going to disclose that because I know our patrons and and they want to see that extra list and I will lose two more times just for the sake of losing.
Speaker A:So I will not say but there is a special list that after a certain amount of losses in a row for months that list will be added to the pay and there there's a higher price point because they are the not just the tip jobs so torturous movies to watch for us and I've got some doozies on that list and I've got some doozies for Alex so if you want to see that go vote see how this plays out.
Speaker A:But outside of that as always we appreciate you tuning in.
Speaker A:We'll catch you on the next one.
Speaker A:Magic.
