Swiss Army Man (2016)
This podcast episode delves into the cinematic experience of the film "Swiss Army Man," a production that has elicited profound discontent among JJ and Alec. We express our incredulity and frustration regarding the film's content, which we deem to be a substantial waste of time. The narrative follows a hopeless man stranded on a deserted island who forms a peculiar friendship with a deceased individual, leading to a series of absurd and nonsensical situations. Throughout our discussion, we explore the film's lack of meaningful intent and the questionable choices made by its creators. Ultimately, we assert that this film stands as one of the most egregious examples of cinematic folly we have encountered, warranting an unequivocal condemnation.
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Transcript
Two minutes into this movie I went this mother.
Speaker A:If I ever see his I'm gonna slap him into next month to put making me watch this movie.
Speaker A:And I love this man that I'm talking about this movie with.
Speaker A:But I until I forget that I had to watch this because of him, I'm gonna catch some hands alert because God dam.
Speaker A:Welcome to the what's Already podcast.
Speaker A:We fashion ourselves cinematic judge and Jerry.
Speaker A:My name is J.J. crowder.
Speaker A:I'm here with my co host Alec Burgess.
Speaker B:Let's get it.
Speaker A:We appreciate you tuning in.
Speaker A:Go and hit that follow subscribe like bell notification buttons.
Speaker A:We appreciate it.
Speaker A:Help scroll the podcast.
Speaker A:Also tell a friend about us.
Speaker A:Tell a family member about us.
Speaker A:Look, this is week two of me telling you, don't tell anybody related to this movie about it.
Speaker A:In fact, I'm gonna go even further.
Speaker A:Like, let's just pretend that this, this episode is made in a vacuum and doesn't actually exist.
Speaker A:You're imagining it like it because.
Speaker B:And that fits with the theme of the movie.
Speaker A:It does.
Speaker A:It really does.
Speaker A:Like, it would make sense.
Speaker A:We're week two in how did they get made movies?
Speaker A:And if you listened or watched last week's episode, then you.
Speaker A:You know how grumpy I got there at the end.
Speaker A:And this is worse.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:We're in for a treat here because God damn.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Before we get too far ahead of ourselves, though, go check us out on Patreon.
Speaker A:We've made some changes.
Speaker A:Big updates.
Speaker A:More options, more content, less cost, more free stuff.
Speaker A:Get involved.
Speaker A:We want your votes.
Speaker A:Especially now, because there's actually a price to be paid for not getting votes in the list of movies that you guys can make us watch for a little bit of a price point.
Speaker A:And they're aimed at torturing one or the other of us, and which usually means both of us like this movie.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So week two, it's Swiss Army Man.
Speaker A:It was released.
Speaker A:I'm so pissed I forgot to scroll down.
Speaker A: ,: Speaker A:It was written and directed by Daniel Kwan and Daniel Shinert.
Speaker A:If they hadn't made a movie a couple years ago, I would want to kick them in the balls.
Speaker A:Now I'm torn.
Speaker A:But it stars Paul Dano, Daniel Radcliffe, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Antonio Ribeiro, Timothy Ulick, Richard Gross, and Andy Hall.
Speaker A:It's about a hopeless man stranded on a deserted island, befriends a dead body.
Speaker A:Together they go on a surreal journey to get home.
Speaker A:I. I mean, the, the.
Speaker A:The thing's accurate, but whoever wrote it, go yourself.
Speaker A:Just because you Wrote a synopsis for this movie.
Speaker A:Go yourself, Alec.
Speaker A:I need to know how you came up with this deal.
Speaker B:I did it again.
Speaker B:The finish line is all I was paying attention to.
Speaker B:I didn't even realize anything about this movie when I picked it, other than I knew it was.
Speaker B:There were.
Speaker B:There was chatter about it, like, why.
Speaker B:And so I picked it.
Speaker B:It went on the list, but I will.
Speaker B:I hadn't seen it before, and I was not paying any other attention to the.
Speaker B:Other than the fact that I wanted to win, and I did.
Speaker A:But the cost of winning.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Pretty bad the last two weeks.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:But this is definitely one of.
Speaker B:There's.
Speaker B:There's no way.
Speaker B:I cannot believe this made it through any kind of script quality control or anything of that nature.
Speaker B:But I would bet that the reason this was made is because Daniel Radcliffe.
Speaker B:Daniel Radcliffe finished Harry Potter and said, you know what?
Speaker B:I don't care anymore.
Speaker B:And he has gone off and done project after project.
Speaker B:We have to think of wonder, like, really, really, dude.
Speaker B:And the fact that he is the biggest name and in many ways, like, the only big name attached to this movie makes me think that this was in a pile where they said, hey, you know what?
Speaker B:Let's just set it off, see what happens.
Speaker B:And he said, yeah, I'll do it.
Speaker B:That.
Speaker B:That's the only thing I can think about.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because Daniel Radcliffe, I don't necessarily like his acting, but his choices after Harry Potter is so funny.
Speaker B:Like, I love the guy for the fact that he just kind of, you know, flipped everybody the bird and was like, yeah, I'm gonna do that about Harry Potter.
Speaker B:So what are you gonna do about it?
Speaker B:But they, like, really leaned into the weird, the crazy, the out there.
Speaker B:But this.
Speaker B:Oh, this.
Speaker B:This is bad.
Speaker B:And there is.
Speaker B:I don't think there's any saving grace anywhere in this film.
Speaker B:I mean, it starts bad, and you have an option to make it kind of start really nice with the, you know, first note that comes through where it's just a help.
Speaker B:You can have a real dark kind of start and go from there.
Speaker B:But the fact that you get 77 notes that come through, all in varying stages of absurdity, just let you know that you're like, oh, no.
Speaker A:Oh, no.
Speaker B:And then doesn't get better.
Speaker B:It gets worse, and it gets really worse.
Speaker B:And you about.
Speaker B:I would say 15 minutes in, I was going.
Speaker B:I was laughing at the absurdity of what I'd done.
Speaker B:But it wasn't a funny haha laugh.
Speaker B:It was no laugh.
Speaker B:Because there's nothing, no saving grace for this movie whatsoever.
Speaker B:There the old.
Speaker B:The only thing I can think of how this got made is Daniel Radcliffe.
Speaker B:And it must be his fault, dude, because there is no way any, any anybody else signs on to this project for anything.
Speaker B:Do you made a face and made me think that it got really good reviews or made a lot of money?
Speaker A:No, it had a three million dollar budget and it grossed I. Technically it mate.
Speaker A:No, because I don't know that they ever advertise this thing.
Speaker A:I, I'd never even heard of this movie, dude.
Speaker A:And that's saying something.
Speaker A:So if you can find a movie that's mainstream, meaning it's got actors and it's got a director.
Speaker A:And at the time the director wasn't.
Speaker A:But now these two have made, you know, everything everywhere all at once.
Speaker A:And that movie crushed it and it was great.
Speaker A:I had never even heard of this movie.
Speaker A:So much so that I up the Patreon listing our vote because I fucking misread it.
Speaker A:I was like, it was, I think it was two in the morning when I was putting it on the fucking.
Speaker A:I was like God damn it, I gotta get this list up.
Speaker A: And I put: Speaker A: r one that you put there from: Speaker A:And I was like.
Speaker A:So I went searching for this movie to watch it and went, why can't I fucking find what's.
Speaker A: There's this one in: Speaker A:I had never, I had no clue what this movie was.
Speaker A:And God damn, dude.
Speaker A:Like the fact that they spent 3 million to make this and probably half of that was Daniel Radcliffe's goddamn salary.
Speaker A:And it looks like it.
Speaker A:Box office like 4 million total worldwide.
Speaker A:Four and a half million.
Speaker A:So I'm like, I don't know.
Speaker A:Listen, Paul Dano's huge now.
Speaker A:Well, he's huge.
Speaker A:Bigger than he was.
Speaker A:He's like one of the kings of weird ass independent films and weird characters.
Speaker A:So he fits Mary Elizabeth Winstead back here.
Speaker A:She wasn't as famous as she is now.
Speaker A:Also one of the queens of independent films.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And then you got Daniel Radcliffe.
Speaker A:So to your point, I agree with you.
Speaker A:Like, I think Daniel Radcliffe was like, let's put him on here and then we'll get some people to go watch it just because he's in it.
Speaker A:And bless their souls, because if they went and watched it because Daniel Radcliffe was in it, your vision of Harry Potter was ruined by this.
Speaker A:Oh yeah, because dude, I have never cursed a soul I have to go back and think.
Speaker A:I've never cursed a friend's soul as much as I. Dude, two minutes into this movie, I went this.
Speaker A:If I ever see his ass, I'm gonna slap him into next month for putting.
Speaker A:Making me watch this.
Speaker A:And I love this man that I'm talking about this movie.
Speaker A:But I.
Speaker A:Until I forget that I had to watch this because of him.
Speaker A:He's on gonna catch some hands alert because God damn it, this movie was the biggest waste of an hour and a half of my life that has ever happened.
Speaker A:And I've watched some ass movies.
Speaker A:I was so mad when he starts farting and when he.
Speaker A:Listen when he jet skis this dude across the ocean because he's gassing out.
Speaker B:Does the Pacific Ocean.
Speaker B:Organ of all.
Speaker A:I almost turned this off and said, I'm gonna talk about this movie from the perspective of someone that refused to watch it after five minutes because all I did was get madder and matter the longer I watch this movie.
Speaker B:The first five minutes is the best part of this movie.
Speaker B:And that's.
Speaker A:That's bad and it's horrid.
Speaker B:It's terrible and everything.
Speaker B:It's crazy because you start off with the gas, right?
Speaker B:And that's bad enough itself.
Speaker B:Terrible to watch.
Speaker B:It gets worse.
Speaker B:He's like, taking the water from him.
Speaker B:And then you got, like, freaking gun bullets.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker B:Like, it just goes worse and worse and worse and worse.
Speaker A:On the penis compass.
Speaker A:Don't even start it on the penis compass.
Speaker B:Oh, my gosh.
Speaker A:So, dude, first of all, and then like, oh, my God, when.
Speaker A:When you get that moment where you hear like, the half a heartbeat, and then all of a sudden, he starts getting a boner.
Speaker A:I'm like, oh, my God, there's something wrong with these people that made this movie.
Speaker A:And the fact that Paul, Daniel and.
Speaker A:And again, to your point, I think Daniel Radcliffe has been, like, on a giant you tour after.
Speaker A:He's like, I'm gonna disassociate myself with Harry Potter as much as possible and.
Speaker B:Ruin every single Harry Potter fanboy and fangirl that's out there.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Which may be why they're rebooting Harry Potter as a TV show in general, because he's not.
Speaker B:That would be funny if it's because of him.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:They're like, daniel Radcliffe has ruined Harry Potter, so we have to go back.
Speaker A:But because, like, dude, I.
Speaker A:You want to talk about no point to a movie like, what in the hell did.
Speaker A:Did I watch?
Speaker B:Like, I.
Speaker B:You didn't.
Speaker B:You didn't watch it?
Speaker B:That's for sure.
Speaker A:This is an hour and a half long movie.
Speaker A:The hour 35.
Speaker A:It felt like four hours and I had to take breaks.
Speaker A:Like I, I watched this movie in 20 minute increments because I would get so furious at how stupid this movie was and how pointless it was and how insane.
Speaker A:Like, I don't even know.
Speaker A:Like, I want it to be like, okay, are they trying to make a point about mental health?
Speaker A:Are they trying to make a point.
Speaker A:Are they trying to like revile stalkers?
Speaker A:Like, are they tr.
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker B:Nobody knows.
Speaker B:I got nothing.
Speaker A:I got nothing.
Speaker A:They just wanted to make a movie that was like the worst version of Weekend at Bernie's ever.
Speaker A:Like, that's it.
Speaker B:So bad.
Speaker B:So bad.
Speaker B:If you're gonna go with that.
Speaker B:But it's, it's, it's the weird that does it for me.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Like, I can handle weird and sure.
Speaker B:Great.
Speaker B:Great amounts.
Speaker B:I'm a weird guy.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:But this is crossing so many lines, dude, in so many different ways.
Speaker B:And there is no saving grace at all.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Like they like dragging the body just across dude.
Speaker B:Oregon coastline.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And then the, the weird, like little shrine in the woods.
Speaker B:Oh my God.
Speaker B:That goes through in this whole, like teaching this body what it was like to remembering to be alive and all those.
Speaker B:Like, there's just so much that is so bad.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And you're sitting there watching it going, it can't get worse.
Speaker B:It can't get worse.
Speaker B:There's no way it can get worse.
Speaker B:And it gets worse.
Speaker B:Each and every time it gets worse.
Speaker B:And I was, I was actually sitting there going, like, what did I do?
Speaker B:I'm in danger.
Speaker A:Don't tell you.
Speaker B:Because I was, I was sitting there going, oh, oh no.
Speaker B:Oh no.
Speaker B:I fucked up here.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because typically when I pick a movie to mess with you or you know, mess with the co host, it's a movie that I can have some enjoyment watching.
Speaker B:I am over 2 this year.
Speaker B:Both times.
Speaker B:I just.
Speaker B:This, this new system we're doing where it's, you know, there's actual weight to getting your picks picked are gonna screw me.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because I will see.
Speaker B:Oh, I need to win.
Speaker B:And not paying attention to the consequences that come from that.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because this was a terrible pick.
Speaker B:This, this was a nightmare on all levels.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And there is that.
Speaker B:Like I, I tried, I tried to find some saving grace.
Speaker B:There's none.
Speaker B:There is not a single good part of this hour and a half long movie, start to finish.
Speaker B:It is bad all the way through.
Speaker B:And somehow with one of the worst starts I've ever seen in a movie.
Speaker B:It gets worse consistently across the board, all the way down to the finish, to at the end, to this weird kind of relationship, friendship blooming between Daniel Radcliffe as a corpse.
Speaker B:Where it is.
Speaker B:It is hard to watch.
Speaker B:And just to see Jet ski to the ocean.
Speaker B:Like, point and purpose.
Speaker B:There.
Speaker B:There is none.
Speaker B:Doesn't make any sense.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it, it just.
Speaker B:I don't understand.
Speaker B:I don't know why.
Speaker B:Why someone would say, hey, this seems like a good idea.
Speaker B:We should do it.
Speaker B:There's no benefit.
Speaker B:No benefit at all.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:There's no story to be told here.
Speaker A:No, there's no story to be told here.
Speaker A:I think I would have, like, forgiven it all the.
Speaker A:If at the very end, like, it turns out this dude's just cracked, right?
Speaker A:He's just absolutely cracked.
Speaker A:Fine.
Speaker A:You're making a movie about mental health like you're making a movie about disassociative disorder.
Speaker A:I, I don't give a.
Speaker A:If there had been some point to say there's something wrong with.
Speaker A:I don't even the main character, Paul Dano's character, like, Hank, there's literally something wrong with him, like, mentally, emotionally, physically, all the things.
Speaker A:But we have to watch all of the additional characters that come in at the end that make you think that he's crazy.
Speaker A:Watch him fart his way away, smiling, and just stand there and watch that, like, this actually existed.
Speaker A:Like, this corpse came back.
Speaker A:Like, you can't.
Speaker A:And listen, I understand that there's, like, the suspension of disbelief, and you have to let something.
Speaker B:But not really with this one.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Like, sure, suspension disbelief is real, but you can't set it up as a movie that feels like you're trying to say something and then go, I have to negate everything that happened in this movie because none of it makes sense.
Speaker A:There's no point to this movie.
Speaker A:There's none.
Speaker A:Zero.
Speaker A:And anybody that tells me different can eat a dick.
Speaker A:There is no point to this movie whatsoever.
Speaker A:Period.
Speaker A:Like, it's the dumbest thing.
Speaker A:I, I, I go back to the.
Speaker A:What is it?
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:I keep want to say happy about Gilmore, but it's not.
Speaker A:What's the other one, though?
Speaker A:It goes back to school.
Speaker B:The Billy Madison.
Speaker A:It's Billy Madison.
Speaker A:It's the end.
Speaker A:It's like, I feel I, I am dumber having now watched this movie like it is.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker A:100%, dude.
Speaker A:I like it.
Speaker A:Just.
Speaker A:This is the.
Speaker A:I would.
Speaker A:Okay, I'm about to make a statement here.
Speaker A:Anybody watch this podcast?
Speaker A:Listen to this podcast for the last probably two and a half years, I think was when we did it.
Speaker A:I would rather watch Moonfall.
Speaker B:Ah, yes.
Speaker A:Than this movie.
Speaker A:Like, and anybody that's listening to me talk about Moonfall.
Speaker A:That's one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life.
Speaker A:And that movie's a masterpiece compared to this.
Speaker A:Like, Jesus Christ.
Speaker A:This movie, it changed my life, my friend, because I. I've never seen anything like this before.
Speaker A:And we've watched some doozies, dude.
Speaker B:We have watched some pretty bad movies.
Speaker B:This is up there for me as well, because I'll take ownership for that.
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker A:I'm all your fault.
Speaker B:I am thrilled that we got that.
Speaker B:It took me two weeks in 20 things to get you over Moonfall.
Speaker B:And now this is something you would not watch before you watch Moonfall again.
Speaker B:Dude, I'm.
Speaker B:I'm happy now.
Speaker A:I didn't think there was my life around.
Speaker A:I didn't think there was a movie existed that I would watch before I watched Moonfall, that I would watch Moonfall before it.
Speaker A:But we found it.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker A:Congratulations, You.
Speaker A:Because I.
Speaker A:And it.
Speaker A:It took me 10 minutes to go, oh, can I go?
Speaker A:Can we watch Moonfall?
Speaker A:Like, I would have let Alex fall back on the list.
Speaker A:Well, because at first I'm like, this dude's about to hang himself.
Speaker A:This is a weird way to start this movie.
Speaker A:And then he.
Speaker A:Seriously, he sees the body, accidentally falls.
Speaker A:And I actually laughed, as dark as that is, I was like, that's funny.
Speaker A:And then the rope breaks.
Speaker A:And then it all ended.
Speaker A:Like, from there on, I was like, this is possibly the worst movie I've ever made.
Speaker A:Like, And I stick to that.
Speaker A:Like, fight me on that.
Speaker A:Like, I. I've seen some shitty movies doing this podcast.
Speaker A:I've seen some shitty movies just in general in life.
Speaker A:Like, we watched on our Patreon.
Speaker A:Go check this one out.
Speaker A:If you haven't pay three bucks or whatever the it is, a dollar just to watch this.
Speaker A:But we did Pink Flamingos.
Speaker A:I'd watch that shit over and over and drink a beer doing it before I had to watch two seconds of this movie again.
Speaker A:Like, I don't even.
Speaker A:Like, I can't even critique this movie because there's nothing to critique.
Speaker B:Yeah, no, you're.
Speaker B:I'm so giddy right now.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker B:I'm having more.
Speaker B:I'm having infinitely more fun just hearing you about this movie.
Speaker B:Oh, sure.
Speaker B:Than watching it.
Speaker B:But I'm trying to think, right, of how you could make this cohesive.
Speaker B:And the only way Is what you talked about was have him cracked.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And like you.
Speaker B:You can start it with him.
Speaker B:Sees the body, right.
Speaker B:And that snaps him out of his, you know, I'm gonna commit suicide kind of thing goes down.
Speaker B:Can't revive the body, but it is, you know, now becomes his friend.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But you could add in how Daniel Radcliffe got there.
Speaker B:He had to have a boat of some kind or something.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker B:So you have the means to get off the island.
Speaker B:Doesn't have to be from Swiss Army Man.
Speaker B:You know, you can bring Swiss army part in later.
Speaker A:There's.
Speaker B:There's def.
Speaker B:There's ways to do it.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so you could have that still be it, but not be as ridiculous.
Speaker B:But then end it with him still on the island.
Speaker B:Like the Swiss army part is just for the island.
Speaker A:Yeah, right.
Speaker B:Because, you know, you could.
Speaker B:You could lean into the fact that you got rotting flesh.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:The good fish bait, not gator.
Speaker B:So he.
Speaker B:You put his hand in the water, he gets fish.
Speaker B:Yeah, right.
Speaker B:You could work it in there and have it be still assembling part of this movie.
Speaker B:But at the end, have it reveal that.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, no, this is just something he cooped up because he's going insane on.
Speaker B:On this desert island.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:But no, instead we get the jet sea across sea.
Speaker B:We get the penis compass, we get the.
Speaker B:The freaking AK47.
Speaker B:And then we have this.
Speaker B:This moral dilemma where they try and make you feel like.
Speaker B:Sorry for the.
Speaker B:The corpse at the end.
Speaker B:Like, you didn't do it.
Speaker B:You didn't build this up in any way for me to feel any kind of emotion.
Speaker A:He's dead.
Speaker B:He's dead.
Speaker B:And all I'm watching is Daniel Radcliffe get paid to be a dead body.
Speaker B:Which props to him like, sure.
Speaker B:But I think they ruined it by having this.
Speaker B:Almost like he's starting to come alive again.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:He's.
Speaker B:He's able to have conversation in a way.
Speaker B:And you have this.
Speaker B:This.
Speaker B:It ruins it.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because now I'm going, what are they doing?
Speaker B:They try and do some kind of weird, like warm bodies theme.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:That.
Speaker B:It just.
Speaker B:It doesn't fit.
Speaker B:There is no point to.
Speaker B:It doesn't make sense at all.
Speaker B:And you're trying to have this emotional payoff with, you know, the dead body gets to be free.
Speaker B:I'm thinking is what.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Because the dead body gives a fuck.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Be free dead body.
Speaker B:This movie go off and save another soul.
Speaker A:Here's the thing is, you know what I wanted out of this movie?
Speaker A:I wanted it to go full fucking nihilistic.
Speaker A:Dark as like.
Speaker A:Because here's what I imagine.
Speaker A:Like if I'm making this movie, we it starts the same and I it's gonna with me and I'm gonna be like, this is the worst movie ever made until the very end.
Speaker A:And then at the very end, what we have a flashback, right?
Speaker A:Which let me speak.
Speaker A:You guys know.
Speaker A:You know I hate that.
Speaker A:Like, I don't like the switcheroonie.
Speaker A:It's lazy to me.
Speaker A:But in this case, I think it could work.
Speaker A:We have everything plays out with a little less fart and weird ass penis humor.
Speaker A:That's not humor that I don't know if it was intended.
Speaker A:Anyway, less of the weird.
Speaker A:I'm okay with a little bit of it, right?
Speaker A:But like take away the ridiculous.
Speaker A:Because here's the thing is even the farting, like bodies are gassy when they die.
Speaker A:Especially where they're out in the open and he's decomposing and it's building up gas.
Speaker A:So if you put pressure on his body, he's gonna release it somehow.
Speaker A:Okay, So I understand that the jet ski piece I don't need.
Speaker A:They'll keep it fine.
Speaker A:But then when we flashback, we see that these guys were best friends.
Speaker A:They went to this island to around.
Speaker A:They had a boat.
Speaker A:Boat still intact.
Speaker A:He is cracked, and I mean cracked.
Speaker A:Murders his best friend because he says something stupid or he even make it about Mary Elizabeth Winstead, that they're both stalking this woman that's married and has kids, right?
Speaker A:Kills his best friend because he's jealous or something.
Speaker A:Because his friend got to say hi.
Speaker A:I mean, who the knows?
Speaker A:Yeah, but that's where I'm going, right?
Speaker A:So he kills his best friend and instead of like he imagines that he's motorboating this dude back to goddamn mainland Oregon.
Speaker A:And instead what we see is they had the boat still.
Speaker A:He kills him, puts the body on the boat.
Speaker A:They land on shore.
Speaker A:Now he's dragging his ass up through and he's gonna take the body up.
Speaker A:This is how up this dude is.
Speaker A:He's gonna take the body up and he has this tremendous guilt, which is why he was trying to kill himself, because he killed his best friend, right?
Speaker A:Gets to the mainland, drags his body up.
Speaker A:He's having these hallucinations that he's talking to his friend again and he's back.
Speaker A:He needs his friend.
Speaker A:They go up to Mary Elizabeth Winstead's joint because he's like, I'm gonna take you to see her again.
Speaker A:We're going to stalk her again.
Speaker A:Whatever they get Caught.
Speaker A:And he.
Speaker A:And again, this is gonna.
Speaker A:This is morbid as.
Speaker A:And it's dark.
Speaker A:But God damn it, it's better than this.
Speaker A:He still trying to off himself right off by police, by.
Speaker A:You know what I'm saying?
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker A:And then it ends.
Speaker A:And we don't see the boat part.
Speaker A:We don't see the best friends part.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:We start the way it starts, plays out through with a little less goofy.
Speaker A:But we see he's cracked.
Speaker A:And then at the end, he gets offed.
Speaker A:And it immediately cuts back to see the reality of the situation that.
Speaker A:That is.
Speaker A:They were stalking these guys together.
Speaker A:They were best friends.
Speaker A:He kills him on the island, takes the boat back instead of riding his friend to the end.
Speaker A:And we cut with them both being there, dead.
Speaker A:Like, that's how fun.
Speaker A:And at that point, I go, okay, this was now a movie about mental health, about disgusting.
Speaker A:Like, it's dark, it's gritty, it's weird, it's goofy.
Speaker A:You find yourself feeling a little dirty because you laughed at some fart jokes and some penis jokes and some.
Speaker A:It's weird.
Speaker A:But you see that the whole time that both these guys were just up.
Speaker A:Now, at least I go, I see what you were trying to do.
Speaker A:It's still gonna be a shitty movie.
Speaker A:But.
Speaker B:But there's a little bit of point to put in there, a little bit of direction.
Speaker A:But I get what you were trying to do right now.
Speaker A:This is just a waste of an hour and a half.
Speaker A:It makes me want to be on an island by myself.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Without a TV or a movie.
Speaker A:Being able to watch this.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:This is not one that I'm proud to add to the movies that I've watched.
Speaker B:This is not going up on the fridge.
Speaker B:This is not something that, you know, is ever gonna be, you know, in the Library of Congress is culturally significant.
Speaker B:It is.
Speaker B:It is an absolute.
Speaker B:Like JJ Said, waste.
Speaker B:Waste of an hour and a half that could be better spent doing crack or heroin, anything.
Speaker B:Or, I don't know, drinking yourself into an absolute bender, which this movie almost made me do.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:There are plenty of better uses of your time that are not good for you rather than watching this movie.
Speaker B:Yeah, it is.
Speaker B:It is literally that bad.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And I was on an herbal.
Speaker A:A major infusion when I watched this movie, and it was still this bad.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker A:And that usually makes every movie a little bit better.
Speaker B:You'd have to think so.
Speaker B:No, this one is.
Speaker B:This one's up there as being absolute horseshit.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And, you know, if I'm as early infused as I Was.
Speaker A:And I wasn't laughing.
Speaker A:You have a problem.
Speaker A:Yeah, because I didn't.
Speaker A:And I didn't like.
Speaker A:All I did was get mad you'd ruined a great herbal infusion.
Speaker A:You're welcome.
Speaker A:Being honest.
Speaker A:Like, God damn, dude.
Speaker A:This movie.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker A:Should we rate it?
Speaker A:I guess.
Speaker A:Podcast episode we've ever made and we didn't really talk about hardly at all.
Speaker B:There's nothing to talk about with this movie.
Speaker A:It's just.
Speaker B:Yeah, don't.
Speaker B:Don't go see it.
Speaker B:But my movie.
Speaker B:So I get to reverse.
Speaker B:It's easy zero.
Speaker B:I. I don't know if I've ever given a zero.
Speaker B:I might have given one zero before this.
Speaker B:This is number two.
Speaker B:It is a.
Speaker B:A big fat zero.
Speaker B:Don't watch it.
Speaker B:I will never watch it again.
Speaker B:I'm going to pretend that I haven't ever seen it and bury it deep, deep down where nobody can find it.
Speaker B:But, yeah, Easy zero.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:This movie.
Speaker A:Zero.
Speaker A:Like this.
Speaker A:This is.
Speaker A:I've been sitting here the whole time.
Speaker A:We talk about racking my brain to see if there was another movie that I could say it's the worst movie I've ever seen.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Worst movie I've ever seen.
Speaker B:Anybody watching.
Speaker B:That is.
Speaker B:That is hard to do.
Speaker B:JJ has seen so many movies.
Speaker B:He's seen so many bad movies.
Speaker B:He was live in the 80s, so he's.
Speaker B:80s movies that come out get judged by today's standards as being horse crap.
Speaker B:The fact that he says this is the worst movie he's ever seen, and that's like a medal.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Worst movie I've ever seen.
Speaker A:I've seen some doozies, Alex.
Speaker A:Not wrong.
Speaker A:I've seen some ass movies.
Speaker A:This is by far.
Speaker A:And I can't even.
Speaker A:Like I said, Moonfall up until this point, Moonfall was the one that made me the most angry of my life.
Speaker A:No, Moonfall's a cakewalk.
Speaker A:Like, I. I apologize.
Speaker A:Moonfall.
Speaker A:I was wrong.
Speaker A:I was wrong.
Speaker A:This movie.
Speaker A:Horrible waste of my life.
Speaker A:Can't get that hour and a half back.
Speaker A:And I will.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker A:If you ever say to me.
Speaker A:I deny that I watched this movie.
Speaker A:I've never watched this movie.
Speaker A:And if anybody says, well, you talked about on a podcast.
Speaker A:No, that was my life model decoy.
Speaker A:That was.
Speaker A:I made that son of a.
Speaker A:Watch this.
Speaker A:And I did not like.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker A:This movie sucked.
Speaker A:And Paul Dano and Donald Daniel Ratcliffe.
Speaker A:And as much as I love her, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and the two Dans that directed this and wrote it.
Speaker A:You guys, the only saving grace any of you get is that they made everything everywhere all at once, because that movie's phenomenal.
Speaker A:But the fact that they had to make this to get there.
Speaker A:I'd almost rather that movie have not been made because this one was Balls.
Speaker A:Balls.
Speaker A:I'd rather be bagged in real life by the sweatiest, nastiest balls I've ever seen than watch this movie again, dude.
Speaker A:And I'm not saying that's not hyperbole.
Speaker A:Like, this movie sucked, dude.
Speaker A:I. I don't know.
Speaker A:And this is not a challenge either, by the way, but I don't know that this movie can be outdone.
Speaker A:Like, this movie horrible.
Speaker B:Dude.
Speaker A:We've watched Rubber.
Speaker A:We've watched Pink Flamingos.
Speaker A:We've watched she Dies Tomorrow.
Speaker A:We've watched Moonfall.
Speaker A:We've.
Speaker A:And that's just what we've watched.
Speaker B:For the podcast Legend of Zothar.
Speaker A:Dude, I'd watch that zero.
Speaker A:And I'd give it a negative hundred if I could.
Speaker A:Like, I almost changed the rules of our scoring for this movie.
Speaker A:It's so bad.
Speaker B:That makes me so happy, dude.
Speaker A:All right, seriously, it might be a couple months before I don't want to throw hands if I ever see you first.
Speaker A:God damn, this movie sucked.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And Chuck Charles.
Speaker A:Chuck.
Speaker A:Chucky.
Speaker A:Mr. CB himself on our Patreon.
Speaker A:I might poke you in the eye if I ever meet you, too, for voting for it.
Speaker A:You son of a. I'm dying.
Speaker A:God damn, this movie sucked.
Speaker A:Balls.
Speaker A:Worst movie I've ever seen.
Speaker A:Me.
Speaker A:There it is.
Speaker A:Zero, tell everybody where they can find us so I can stop talking about this.
Speaker B:I'm gonna try, but I'm dying.
Speaker B:Over.
Speaker B:This is the greatest day of my life.
Speaker B:And it's also the worst one.
Speaker B:It's a weird mix of emotions.
Speaker B:Best place to find us is on YouTube where you can see us giggle.
Speaker B:Laugh, joke.
Speaker B:You can actually see the anger in JJ's face.
Speaker B:It's great.
Speaker B:You can see his eye twitching and the veins starting to pop in his temple.
Speaker B:Aside from that, though, the best place to get involved with the podcast as a whole is on Patreon at what's our Verdict Podcast.
Speaker B:Special thanks to our current patron.
Speaker B:CB and Rich, I think, are still up there.
Speaker B:JJ's blaming them both for this fiasco, but really the fault is mine.
Speaker B:But we.
Speaker B:We recently, we did our Patreon, as JJ was saying at the beginning of the episode.
Speaker B:So there is actual weight to our votes now.
Speaker B:They matter.
Speaker B:We decided at the turn of the year we were going to make a matter, and that was a terrible decision because the Last two years we started out January hot.
Speaker B:Good movies, great conversations.
Speaker B:I won January.
Speaker B:It's been a shit show first two weeks.
Speaker A:God damn.
Speaker B:As soon as actual consequences related in all sense of self preservation went out the window.
Speaker B:But what's over to Patreon go there.
Speaker B:You can get involved in the content creation.
Speaker B:You can vote on topics, vote on movies and really have a hand in what's going on.
Speaker B:You can also behind a little bit of paywall get access to nearly 650 bonus episodes outtakes whole nine yards from there.
Speaker B:And then with this new consequence model that we've added, if you win a a month your list gets pulled off of the what's our verdict shop and the losers list gets put on.
Speaker B:This list was made by each other.
Speaker B:So I made JJ's list.
Speaker B:JJ made my list.
Speaker B:And it's a list of movies that the other person does not want to watch.
Speaker B:You can go on, you can buy, you can purchase those movies.
Speaker B:We will do an episode released on the channel for it.
Speaker B:If they turn around, they win list, their list comes off, other list goes on.
Speaker B:So it's a little bit back and forth for movies that neither one that the person involved does not want to watch at all.
Speaker B:I. I have a feeling I haven't seen my list.
Speaker B:I have a feeling there's a lot of horror on there.
Speaker B:I I went hard on JJ and then he had the benefit of going after.
Speaker B:So yeah, he, he's not being nice.
Speaker B:But that's the back and forth JJ's list of it out because I won January.
Speaker A:So it's been a while go there1 that is true.
Speaker B:So best place is Patreon.
Speaker B:What's the verge to get involved with content.
Speaker B:And with that I'll kick it back to the Titan of terror.
Speaker B:The king of Crash A jj.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:King of crashing into a wall after this movie, dude.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Well, we would appreciate you tuning in.
Speaker A:Hopefully you had a good time listening to me.
Speaker A:Want to put ice picks in my eyes after watching this movie that was.
Speaker B:The greatest thing ever.
Speaker B:I'm so happy.
Speaker A:Hell, this movie is worst movie ever.
Speaker A:And with that as always, we appreciate you tuning in.
Speaker A:We'll catch you on the next one.
Speaker B:Hasta la vista, baby.
Speaker A:Cinematic.
